you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
