never play flip cup with pint glasses
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
