If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
