I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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