I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
