I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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