when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize