Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just want nice things and good sex
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
