Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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