just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
