It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
