just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
