I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
