my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
