well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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