So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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