I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
