That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
