I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Best friends brother. Beat that.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
