It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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