He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
