TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
