the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
