Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Randomize
