I'm jealous of your bromance
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
