The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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