Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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