Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
