i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize