those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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