dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
