You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
