did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize