Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
