how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
