I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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