Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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