Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
