Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize