i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
