I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
