You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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