I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize