And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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