end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
