Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
