I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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