Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
tell me about the eggs
Randomize