The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
