Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize