I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
