farters have to be the big spoon...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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