I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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