You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
