i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
