just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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