sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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